Do you ever just think of your body as a machine, .. a self-oiled, well-working machine.

I do.

Usually when I am running on 8 hours of sleep over a period of 3 or 4 days.

You know who they are... people who pass you in the hall (or anywhere, really), that you know, or at least recognize, but they won't talk to you--won't even look at you.

Annoying and rude, isn't it?

Well. That would be me.

Why won't I talk to someone in the hallway? I don't know. Usually it's one or more of the following:
1. I'm in a hurry.
2. I don't know what I would say to you.

Chances are the conversation would go as follows:
Me: Hi
You: Hi
Me: So how are you?
You: Pretty good, you?
Me: Yeah, same.
::awkward silence::
Me: Well, see ya
You: Yeah, bye

Then we part ways.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. And not every conversation goes that way. Sometimes I might avoid you because I know the conversation won't be brief. This usually does not apply to students, though.

Anyway. I don't know the point of this. I guess because I was thinking about how great my school is, but then at the same I was thinking about how much I can't stand it. And the people. It's a love-hate relationship.

It's almost over, though. Thank God.

Current Location: Panera
Current Music: John Mellencamp

Pan's Labyrinth.

Here's a good commentary from a blog. Don't miss the Goya link. Very interesting...

And now I will bet money that the phone is silent the rest of the night.

(as a side note, my apostrophe key is doing the weird thing again where if I press it, it opens a find window in the bottom of the browser. Weird and annoying)

Current Mood: blah

So there was this show at the school tonight and I went because Alex and his friend were going to be playing a couple songs. It was a talent show.

Alex and his friend did a great job. They played a My Morning Jacket song and than later they played a Beatles song (they played a third song but I didn't catch the title).

After them there were a couple other acts. Then, there was a stand up comedian (which, by the way, is such a weird phrase.. were there ever sit down comedians? Well, I guess maybe the ones who do those dummy acts).

Like all comedians who don't know what the art of comedy is, this guy resorted to joking about sex because it makes people laugh. He was joking about a strip club and how he went there freshman year. He took home a set of matches .. as a souvenir I guess. Anyway, a few weeks later his girlfriend came to visit him at his dorm room. Since that night, the matchbook had become buried under various papers. He said that his girlfriend had to be nosy (because all girlfriends are) and started looking through things, and she, of course, found the matchbook. She asked him "What is this?"

And he said that because she did not ask the "right" question (as in.. "Where did you get this?" or "Where did you go?") he was open to three options: tell her the truth and risk not being able to have sex with her, I forget the second option, and the third one was to lie. Then he was like "I'm a guy.. there are guys out there.. what did I do?" And all the guys were like "Lie!"

I am completely disgusted by this. Number 1, he went to a strip club when he had a girlfriend. Number 2, he lied to her about it. And number 3... well the first two are good enough.

People don't go there because they want to look at girls stripping or dancing around a slimy pole. They go there because either they're tired of going to bars, they're tired of going to clubs or they're bored.

But really they go there because they're lonely.

I don't understand why it's so easy to just write it off as some kind of "natural" urge a guy has to stare at the female body. Not only is that completely sickening, but any chances you might have with a decent girl are completely blown because no woman in her right mind is going to want to date a guy who actively goes to strip clubs or looks at porn or whatever. Sure, she may tolerate it for awhile, in the beginning of the relationship. But over time it's going to get bothersome.. it chips away at the trust factor. How can you possibly trust that the person you're with is going to be faithful to you when they can't even tear their eyes away from some other girl .. when your body is not enough to keep them occupied.

And the fact that our culture condones this behavior is even worse. It's a double message--men are supposed to take care of the home, bring in the money, etc... but at the same time they're suppposed to be attracted to this perfect female ideal. How are they supposed to do both at once and succeed? It's impossible and totally irrational and also absolutely stupid. The role of a man is to provide--not only materially, but emotionally and spiritually as well. And he can't exactly do that if he's off ogling everything that has boobs.

I guess my point is that I'm completely, totally and utterly sick and tired of the American fascination with sex. I am so fed up with it being everywhere. There are more important things in life. There are better ways to market products. There are funnier jokes to make. But mostly I'm fed up with people buying into the mentality that supports it and promotes it. When did sex become some public act that is shared with every single person on the planet? Why is it so wrong to think that sex is something private.. something that is intimate. When did that become the minority opinion? It's becoming damaging because men don't want to grow up and take responsibility. The conversations I heard around campus today are a great example of this: in the library, two guys were looking at facebook (like myspace, only better) and they were talking about the bangability of girls based on their pictures on facebook (these guys were probably 19 or 20 years old)... plus the obnoxious guy friends of the guy comedian tonight at the talent show.. plus the waiter at the restaurant my friend and I ate at tonight who gave me a discount because I was a "real classic beauty." Gag me.

If I wasn't so afraid of outer space I would go live on the moon.

But even then I'd probably have to wear some kind of suit that is meant to show off my body, because heaven forbid I let that go unnoticed.

Current Mood: pissed off

I try to be okay. I really do.

I try to not remember everything. To just forget about it because it really shouldn't hang in my mind anymore.

And I try to just not think about things that will bring it all up. Things that will spark hurt or doubt. Because the last thing I want to do is doubt.

But then something will happen. Someone will say something and everything else in the room stops, and I hear in my mind memories whispering. It's a flood of words that block out everything else. Everything fades away. Sometimes it seems like the only way to stop it is to just shut down. To put up walls.

I know that really isn't the answer.

But I just lose all hope, and I start to drown. I think about how it seems like there is nothing decent anymore. Nothing is sacred. There is no respect.

Then what happens? Then I get scared. And everything goes black in my mind, and I close my eyes. I think about all the possible scenarios and how I would cry and how I would be alone and how I would die. I think about the word bleak and what it means to be cold from the inside out. And I remember that it would not be the first time, though I hoped it would be the last.

And even though that is all only an illusion, it tricks me and makes me fall.

Except the worst part is that I let it.

Current Mood: distressed

Sometimes I miss the days when I never spoke.

I would go so many hours without saying a word. I would sit quietly somewhere, and study. Usually at my favorite place. No one would bother me, and I would bother no one. I disappeared there.

The point of the silence was so that I wouldn't feel anything.

Now I feel all the time. I cry too much.

Current Location: nowhere.
Current Music: nothing.

I'll be 23 in exactly one month.

Here are 23 things I think about when I think about turning 23:
1. Getting older
2. Not being considered so much of a girl anymore
3. Graduating to the "misses" department for clothes
4. Having to grow up
5. Moving out
6. Getting married
7. Grad school
8. Finding a career, not getting a job
9. Getting a life of my own separate from my parent's
10. Being responsible
11. Paying bills
12. Relinquishing my family American Express
13. Doing my own laundry
14. Paying for gasoline myself
15. Getting a dog
16. New friends
17. Old friends
18. Friends I don't talk to anymore
19. Having to actually care about politics
20. One day having kids
21. Trying to be a better example for my sister
22. Getting an IRA
23. Discovering what it means to be an adult

A lot of things have changed.

Yesterday I was thinking about how I'm not really a girl anymore...like I wouldn't describe myself as "girlish" or whatever. Inevitably that stupid Britney Spears song title came into my head "Not a girl, Not Yet a Woman" or something like that. But really, that's how I feel. I still don't think I'm a woman. Wait that came out wrong. I mean, when I think of calling someone a "woman," in terms of it being an adjective to describe a lifestyle not a physical characteristic... I think of sophistication. I bumble around a lot still and mess things up and just generally do a poor job of keeping myself together. I can't even keep my room clean.

But I think the difference between now and when I turned 20 is that I actually do want to grow up. Before, I wanted to stay 19 forever. But the thought of being 19 now just isn't even appealing anymore. I don't want to relive that time in my life.

I just hope that as I grow older I can stop worrying so much and stop being so scarred and touched by what has hurt me in the past. I have a lot to let go of, but I'm afraid to because if I do let go of it all I fear that it will happen again because it will be misunderstood as me thinking it's okay.

I just need to have faith, I guess.

Current Location: Work
Current Music: CNN--yeah, not music, I know

Back at work again. Three days off in a row, so that was sort of nice. All thanks to the weather.

Alex is sick with a viral infection, and it really sucks. Yesterday we went to urgent care and got a prescription for some kind of thing to help with his cough. It also acts as a decongestant. And then he got some sudafed too. I think it's starting to kick in because when I called him at around 12:20, he didn't cough once on the phone. Usually every other sentence he was coughing really hard. I hope he's doing better by tomorrow so that he can go out to see his mom when she comes up to visit.

Speaking of which, I don't know why, but I have this awful feeling that she's going to think I'm just not doing a good job taking care of him since he's still sick. But I don't know what else I can do. I got him soup and everything, and I can't live in the dorm with him to take care of him. The entire thing would be so much easier if we were just married.

Alicia and Jake, Amber and Kail were disappointed that Alex and I won't be going out with them tonight but oh well. Next week.

Tonight my dad gets back from Georgia. Tomorrow is a father-daughter dance that he's taking my sister to, so he had to be back up for that. My mom and I are going to go out to eat somewhere I guess. Last year I think we went to this place called the York St. Cafe. It's really good, but so expensive. It's like gourmet food sort of. I don't know where we'll eat at tomorrow. She said a place, but now I can't remember what it was.

As for everything else... I'm trying to get myself back on track with everything. My room is, for the most part, pretty well cleaned up. My bed needs to be cleared off, so I haven't been sleeping in my room. I've been sleeping in my grandma's room (well, the room she stays in when she comes to my house). I feel better in there anyway right now. I haven't been b/p'ing at night so that's a plus. Like a major plus. I'm still doing it but at least I'm not going to sleep right after b'ing and then having to throw up in the morning. What a way to start the day.

And because I have been eating more regularly in the evening, I get hungry in the morning and try to eat a little breakfast. Breakfast for me means either an applesauce cup or something small like that. And I've also found that eating more regularly prevents the food build-up in my upper intestinal area that so often throws me into a b/p thing. That's really a big relief, and it's also incentive to keep on the right track.

I haven't really been exercising. I do some yoga here and there, in little spurts of time. Nothing regimented. Yesterday I shoveled half the driveway (my mom and sister had done the other half the day before), and that was a good workout, though it about killed me because of the cold. Today my back hurts so badly.

Blah blah blah....

You know, I've been thinking about this a lot lately... and I think, when Alex feels better, I'm going to ask him for Kelly's email address and see about emailing him. Since he wants me to get to know his friend better, the only real way to do it right now during the school year is over email or facebook. Since Kelly doesn't have a facebook, that's out of the question. So I'll email him and just say hi and that I'm sorry about all the misunderstandings, but that we should start over. I really don't think badly of him. I don't think he's a bad person. I think that he is just confused sometimes, and makes bad choices... but everyone does that all the time. If Alex is such good friends with him, then there is no reason I should feel badly towards him. It's just because I don't know him. So I'd like to get to know him so I can stop resenting him.

And here's one last random thing for this blurb. I am wearing my pajama pants to work today. I have these black pants, that are made of some kind of cottony blend. They are nice looking, I often wear them out during the day or whatever. I guess you could call them .. lounge pants? I don't know. I got them at Wal*Mart (sorry to all the Wal*Mart haters out there). Anyway, they look like work pants, and since this morning when I woke up I was cold and tired and didn't feel like changing out of them since they were warm, I just kept them on. Unfortunately, I couldn't wear my pajama shirt to work, because it is one of those air-painted shirt things from Gatlinburg. It has Hello Kitty on it and it says my name on there really big. Not exactly work appropriate.

Only 3 and a half more hours left of being here......

I don't really know what to say, other than I'm feeling so .. just ruined. Like trampled on and just shot full of holes and ruined.

After effects, I guess.