She can ask for the truth

hi.

2007-04-28T06:29:38Z

Do you ever just think of your body as a machine, .. a self-oiled, well-working machine.

I do.

Usually when I am running on 8 hours of sleep over a period of 3 or 4 days.

why i hate the hallway at school

2007-03-01T20:19:59Z

You know who they are... people who pass you in the hall (or anywhere, really), that you know, or at least recognize, but they won't talk to you--won't even look at you.

Annoying and rude, isn't it?

Well. That would be me.

Why won't I talk to someone in the hallway? I don't know. Usually it's one or more of the following:
1. I'm in a hurry.
2. I don't know what I would say to you.

Chances are the conversation would go as follows:
Me: Hi
You: Hi
Me: So how are you?
You: Pretty good, you?
Me: Yeah, same.
::awkward silence::
Me: Well, see ya
You: Yeah, bye

Then we part ways.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. And not every conversation goes that way. Sometimes I might avoid you because I know the conversation won't be brief. This usually does not apply to students, though.

Anyway. I don't know the point of this. I guess because I was thinking about how great my school is, but then at the same I was thinking about how much I can't stand it. And the people. It's a love-hate relationship.

It's almost over, though. Thank God.

I still think about it

2007-02-23T15:13:21Z

Pan's Labyrinth.

Here's a good commentary from a blog. Don't miss the Goya link. Very interesting...

letting the cables sleep

2007-02-21T06:48:11Z

And now I will bet money that the phone is silent the rest of the night.

(as a side note, my apostrophe key is doing the weird thing again where if I press it, it opens a find window in the bottom of the browser. Weird and annoying)

less cryptic, more blatant

2007-02-21T06:30:38Z

So there was this show at the school tonight and I went because Alex and his friend were going to be playing a couple songs. It was a talent show.

Alex and his friend did a great job. They played a My Morning Jacket song and than later they played a Beatles song (they played a third song but I didn't catch the title).

After them there were a couple other acts. Then, there was a stand up comedian (which, by the way, is such a weird phrase.. were there ever sit down comedians? Well, I guess maybe the ones who do those dummy acts).

Like all comedians who don't know what the art of comedy is, this guy resorted to joking about sex because it makes people laugh. He was joking about a strip club and how he went there freshman year. He took home a set of matches .. as a souvenir I guess. Anyway, a few weeks later his girlfriend came to visit him at his dorm room. Since that night, the matchbook had become buried under various papers. He said that his girlfriend had to be nosy (because all girlfriends are) and started looking through things, and she, of course, found the matchbook. She asked him "What is this?"

And he said that because she did not ask the "right" question (as in.. "Where did you get this?" or "Where did you go?") he was open to three options: tell her the truth and risk not being able to have sex with her, I forget the second option, and the third one was to lie. Then he was like "I'm a guy.. there are guys out there.. what did I do?" And all the guys were like "Lie!"

I am completely disgusted by this. Number 1, he went to a strip club when he had a girlfriend. Number 2, he lied to her about it. And number 3... well the first two are good enough.

People don't go there because they want to look at girls stripping or dancing around a slimy pole. They go there because either they're tired of going to bars, they're tired of going to clubs or they're bored.

But really they go there because they're lonely.

I don't understand why it's so easy to just write it off as some kind of "natural" urge a guy has to stare at the female body. Not only is that completely sickening, but any chances you might have with a decent girl are completely blown because no woman in her right mind is going to want to date a guy who actively goes to strip clubs or looks at porn or whatever. Sure, she may tolerate it for awhile, in the beginning of the relationship. But over time it's going to get bothersome.. it chips away at the trust factor. How can you possibly trust that the person you're with is going to be faithful to you when they can't even tear their eyes away from some other girl .. when your body is not enough to keep them occupied.

And the fact that our culture condones this behavior is even worse. It's a double message--men are supposed to take care of the home, bring in the money, etc... but at the same time they're suppposed to be attracted to this perfect female ideal. How are they supposed to do both at once and succeed? It's impossible and totally irrational and also absolutely stupid. The role of a man is to provide--not only materially, but emotionally and spiritually as well. And he can't exactly do that if he's off ogling everything that has boobs.

I guess my point is that I'm completely, totally and utterly sick and tired of the American fascination with sex. I am so fed up with it being everywhere. There are more important things in life. There are better ways to market products. There are funnier jokes to make. But mostly I'm fed up with people buying into the mentality that supports it and promotes it. When did sex become some public act that is shared with every single person on the planet? Why is it so wrong to think that sex is something private.. something that is intimate. When did that become the minority opinion? It's becoming damaging because men don't want to grow up and take responsibility. The conversations I heard around campus today are a great example of this: in the library, two guys were looking at facebook (like myspace, only better) and they were talking about the bangability of girls based on their pictures on facebook (these guys were probably 19 or 20 years old)... plus the obnoxious guy friends of the guy comedian tonight at the talent show.. plus the waiter at the restaurant my friend and I ate at tonight who gave me a discount because I was a "real classic beauty." Gag me.

If I wasn't so afraid of outer space I would go live on the moon.

But even then I'd probably have to wear some kind of suit that is meant to show off my body, because heaven forbid I let that go unnoticed.

jokes.

2007-02-21T06:14:02Z

I try to be okay. I really do.

I try to not remember everything. To just forget about it because it really shouldn't hang in my mind anymore.

And I try to just not think about things that will bring it all up. Things that will spark hurt or doubt. Because the last thing I want to do is doubt.

But then something will happen. Someone will say something and everything else in the room stops, and I hear in my mind memories whispering. It's a flood of words that block out everything else. Everything fades away. Sometimes it seems like the only way to stop it is to just shut down. To put up walls.

I know that really isn't the answer.

But I just lose all hope, and I start to drown. I think about how it seems like there is nothing decent anymore. Nothing is sacred. There is no respect.

Then what happens? Then I get scared. And everything goes black in my mind, and I close my eyes. I think about all the possible scenarios and how I would cry and how I would be alone and how I would die. I think about the word bleak and what it means to be cold from the inside out. And I remember that it would not be the first time, though I hoped it would be the last.

And even though that is all only an illusion, it tricks me and makes me fall.

Except the worst part is that I let it.

shhhhh

2007-02-16T06:10:53Z

Sometimes I miss the days when I never spoke.

I would go so many hours without saying a word. I would sit quietly somewhere, and study. Usually at my favorite place. No one would bother me, and I would bother no one. I disappeared there.

The point of the silence was so that I wouldn't feel anything.

Now I feel all the time. I cry too much.

old bag

2007-02-10T18:05:23Z

I'll be 23 in exactly one month.

Here are 23 things I think about when I think about turning 23:
1. Getting older
2. Not being considered so much of a girl anymore
3. Graduating to the "misses" department for clothes
4. Having to grow up
5. Moving out
6. Getting married
7. Grad school
8. Finding a career, not getting a job
9. Getting a life of my own separate from my parent's
10. Being responsible
11. Paying bills
12. Relinquishing my family American Express
13. Doing my own laundry
14. Paying for gasoline myself
15. Getting a dog
16. New friends
17. Old friends
18. Friends I don't talk to anymore
19. Having to actually care about politics
20. One day having kids
21. Trying to be a better example for my sister
22. Getting an IRA
23. Discovering what it means to be an adult

A lot of things have changed.

Yesterday I was thinking about how I'm not really a girl anymore...like I wouldn't describe myself as "girlish" or whatever. Inevitably that stupid Britney Spears song title came into my head "Not a girl, Not Yet a Woman" or something like that. But really, that's how I feel. I still don't think I'm a woman. Wait that came out wrong. I mean, when I think of calling someone a "woman," in terms of it being an adjective to describe a lifestyle not a physical characteristic... I think of sophistication. I bumble around a lot still and mess things up and just generally do a poor job of keeping myself together. I can't even keep my room clean.

But I think the difference between now and when I turned 20 is that I actually do want to grow up. Before, I wanted to stay 19 forever. But the thought of being 19 now just isn't even appealing anymore. I don't want to relive that time in my life.

I just hope that as I grow older I can stop worrying so much and stop being so scarred and touched by what has hurt me in the past. I have a lot to let go of, but I'm afraid to because if I do let go of it all I fear that it will happen again because it will be misunderstood as me thinking it's okay.

I just need to have faith, I guess.

cosmodawlitan @ 2007-02-09T14:19:00

2007-02-09T19:32:08Z

Back at work again. Three days off in a row, so that was sort of nice. All thanks to the weather.

Alex is sick with a viral infection, and it really sucks. Yesterday we went to urgent care and got a prescription for some kind of thing to help with his cough. It also acts as a decongestant. And then he got some sudafed too. I think it's starting to kick in because when I called him at around 12:20, he didn't cough once on the phone. Usually every other sentence he was coughing really hard. I hope he's doing better by tomorrow so that he can go out to see his mom when she comes up to visit.

Speaking of which, I don't know why, but I have this awful feeling that she's going to think I'm just not doing a good job taking care of him since he's still sick. But I don't know what else I can do. I got him soup and everything, and I can't live in the dorm with him to take care of him. The entire thing would be so much easier if we were just married.

Alicia and Jake, Amber and Kail were disappointed that Alex and I won't be going out with them tonight but oh well. Next week.

Tonight my dad gets back from Georgia. Tomorrow is a father-daughter dance that he's taking my sister to, so he had to be back up for that. My mom and I are going to go out to eat somewhere I guess. Last year I think we went to this place called the York St. Cafe. It's really good, but so expensive. It's like gourmet food sort of. I don't know where we'll eat at tomorrow. She said a place, but now I can't remember what it was.

As for everything else... I'm trying to get myself back on track with everything. My room is, for the most part, pretty well cleaned up. My bed needs to be cleared off, so I haven't been sleeping in my room. I've been sleeping in my grandma's room (well, the room she stays in when she comes to my house). I feel better in there anyway right now. I haven't been b/p'ing at night so that's a plus. Like a major plus. I'm still doing it but at least I'm not going to sleep right after b'ing and then having to throw up in the morning. What a way to start the day.

And because I have been eating more regularly in the evening, I get hungry in the morning and try to eat a little breakfast. Breakfast for me means either an applesauce cup or something small like that. And I've also found that eating more regularly prevents the food build-up in my upper intestinal area that so often throws me into a b/p thing. That's really a big relief, and it's also incentive to keep on the right track.

I haven't really been exercising. I do some yoga here and there, in little spurts of time. Nothing regimented. Yesterday I shoveled half the driveway (my mom and sister had done the other half the day before), and that was a good workout, though it about killed me because of the cold. Today my back hurts so badly.

Blah blah blah....

You know, I've been thinking about this a lot lately... and I think, when Alex feels better, I'm going to ask him for Kelly's email address and see about emailing him. Since he wants me to get to know his friend better, the only real way to do it right now during the school year is over email or facebook. Since Kelly doesn't have a facebook, that's out of the question. So I'll email him and just say hi and that I'm sorry about all the misunderstandings, but that we should start over. I really don't think badly of him. I don't think he's a bad person. I think that he is just confused sometimes, and makes bad choices... but everyone does that all the time. If Alex is such good friends with him, then there is no reason I should feel badly towards him. It's just because I don't know him. So I'd like to get to know him so I can stop resenting him.

And here's one last random thing for this blurb. I am wearing my pajama pants to work today. I have these black pants, that are made of some kind of cottony blend. They are nice looking, I often wear them out during the day or whatever. I guess you could call them .. lounge pants? I don't know. I got them at Wal*Mart (sorry to all the Wal*Mart haters out there). Anyway, they look like work pants, and since this morning when I woke up I was cold and tired and didn't feel like changing out of them since they were warm, I just kept them on. Unfortunately, I couldn't wear my pajama shirt to work, because it is one of those air-painted shirt things from Gatlinburg. It has Hello Kitty on it and it says my name on there really big. Not exactly work appropriate.

Only 3 and a half more hours left of being here......

i hate music.

2007-02-02T17:01:46Z

I don't really know what to say, other than I'm feeling so .. just ruined. Like trampled on and just shot full of holes and ruined.

After effects, I guess.

hi.

2007-01-31T05:14:52Z

I don't understand how many times it's going to take before it becomes clear that the cell phone thing needs to be consistent.

I also don't understand how many times it's going to take for me to just give up the b/p stuff altogether and settle only for starvation or some other alternative that is not going to result in me feeling like some fat hag.

the end.

winter wonderland

2007-01-25T07:44:58Z

So, we had our first real snow this past Sunday (the 21st). Alex, Emily (my sister) and I played out in it for a couple hours and Alex took some photos.

As it turns out, I had no idea that snow released my magical powers of levitation.

Of course it naturally follows that my sister would share this same ability. Here we are honing our skillz

Also, I had no idea that snow also released my inner tard.

I look SO stupid in that picture that it is funny.

Even my dog is laughing at me

And the other one is contemplating running away

In other snow day news, we discovered that the snow was just the right variety for packing together and making very large snow... mounds. Just see for yourself:

We started rolling the snow for that on the other side of the driveway, in the other yard.. then crossed over and up behind me toward the basketball goal that is laying on its side. Then we came back down to where I am standing against the ball.

I thought we named it, but now I can't really remember if we actually decided on anything.

After all the hard work, is time to stop for a smooch.

Aahhh... love :)

But then it was back to work, in the hopes of creating some kind of snow fort. I do that every year and then I just lay down in it. It's oddly comforting to me.

Unfortunately... there really wasn't enough snow.

So Alex just decided to hit me with a snow ball!

And then.. we were all cold and it was almost dinnertime. We went inside and it wasn't until just yesterday that all my limbs finally thawed out and I could once again feel all ten of toes, as well as my thighs and hands. Wonderful.

cha-cha

2007-01-25T06:24:40Z

I don't know what the problem is.

Everytime anything with his friend comes up I just immediately tense up and get very uncomfortable.

I just think about all that's happened.

Plus he told his friend about me and my problems.

While his friend was drunk.

So who knows.

I don't.

blah.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-22T16:51:51Z

Remember how I said that in Pan's Labyrinth there was a terrifying thing who ate children?

Here, just look at him and see what I mean:
**Image removed because it's too freakish**

Yeah. Those eyes in his hands? They were sitting on a plate in front of him.

Bleck. I can't even talk about it.

Enjoy it now, kids, because this picture is a limited time offer.

varying states of disrepair

2007-01-22T15:59:40Z

I feel extremely dependent now. I feel like any self-worth I have is generated out of words that come from his mouth. Like I need to be reassured constantly, but at the same time that I'm not measuring up.

I just look at him, look into his eyes, and I ask him questions about what he thinks but when I'm looking I don't see any conviction. It must be there though. Why else would he tell me what he is telling me?

He pauses before he answers. And I have to hang in the balance.

But he loves me. he loves me. he does.

tonight

2007-01-21T08:21:37Z

I was just in the bathroom, putting cold water on my face so I won't have puffy eyes in the morning. I don't think it did any good though because I can already feel them getting puffy.

I am supposed to let go of things. I am supposed to get well.

I don't know what he is supposed to do. Help me and love me.

It's because I am the one with the problem. It is ridiculous and it is bad.

(the tone here is completely serious, by the way. they're like mantras. say it enough, and it will begin to sink in and make sense. then you can start believing.)

I said I was broken. I said that because it's true.

I cry too much.

And the light has left my eyes.

i hate the shirt i'm wearing

2007-01-20T19:11:42Z

Last night I was staying at another house. I had to house-sit for my pastor and his wife. Really, I was dog-sitting. They have 2 big dogs, and 2 cats.

One cat, Doc, is gross. I mean really gross. He doesn't do normal cat things, like clean his fur. Or purr. Or do any sort of movement at all.

Weird cat.

Anyway, Alex and I went out beforehand and went down to Newport. We had Turkish food to eat... yum. Actually, though, we just ate at a Turkish restaurant... we didn't actually eat turkish food. They changed their menus around and don't carry what I like anymore, so I just ordered some halibut thing. He had some kind of pasta dish. But there was fresh pita bread!

Then we went to AMC and saw a movie--Pan's Labyrinth.

Wow I don't even know where to begin to describe this movie. I could NOT stop crying after we saw it though. It made my heart so heavy with the violence and sadness and just.. general lack of hope.

But it was beautiful, in a sad way. Except for the part about the strange mass of flesh guy who had eyes in his palms and tried to eat small children. Yeah, that was disturbing.

Needless to say... I keep floating in and out of caring about myself and about anything in general.

On the bright side, the b/p stuff has subsided. I've dropped the p and lately have just stuck to b. But actually, I wouldn't even classify what's happening as binges. I don't eat anything at all during the day, and then eat probably 1500 calories or so at night, before I go to sleep.

I know what the root is. I feel very bleh and separated and disconnected from Alex (well, I had been) because of things we'd talked about and things he told me. I just felt... I don't want to say I was lied to, because he didn't do anything maliciously. I don't know. He misrepresented himself, I guess.

Nothing is bad or wrong between us. I just felt really... I can't even think of the word.

So anyway. I would not eat anything during the day, and then would eat at night and I'd immediately want to go to bed because I felt full and comforted. So I'd go to sleep feeling okay and taken care of, well provided for. The food would digest, in the morning I'd not feel bloaty or poofy. And so on. Also, no weight gain. So that's a plus.

I think I'm kind of reconciled back to Alex now though. I still feel hesitant around him though, and I have a hard time believing what he tells me. I feel ugly and unpretty most of the time. Very insecure.

But I ate lunch today.

So that's a step forward.

Well, it wasn't really lunch per se. It was applesauce. But it was something rather than nothing. So that's good, right?

I guess I'm going to start a new plan then. The end goal is February 14th. Alex and I aren't really doing anything on that day, because it's a Wednesday and I have to teach, and he goes to church in the evenings.

Anyway. The plan is to try to be healthy. The goal is to eat consistently. I don't care the amounts, as long as I start eating something. I read somewhere that having an egg in the morning with toast helps control your appetite and gives you fuel for the day, so I might try to incorporate one of the two in (probably the egg). For lunch, I was figuring probably yogurt or applesauce or soup. For dinner, whatever.. but a small amount of whatever that whatever is.

The problem is that I can't eat normal proportions of foods because they get backed up trying to get digested earlier than they're supposed to.. and it makes me feel bingey/purgey. Because I feel like I look like I'm pregnant (because I do).

As for exercise... I don't know. All motivation to do the videos has been lost. Maybe some freestyle stuff. I have enough video sequences memorized to put together my own thing.

By the way, I'm at work right now. We get to leave at 4, thank goodness.

All I want to do is go home and take a nap!

weekends that are full of shit.

2007-01-16T05:24:04Z

This is what you say:

I love you, etc... you are the most/best (fill in really great adjective + phrase, or endearing quality), etc... It was in my past, it does not matter now. Don't ruin our future. I love you. Are you going to be okay?

This is what I say:
Yes.

This is what I think:
No.

And I also think that you're right that it is the past, but that sometimes when you've been burned in the past, it makes it harder for you to ignore the scars and just move on. I told you already why I hold onto things. I know you think I'm wrong. But I do it because it is what I know right now.

Even though I also know that we are right, and good and that you are where I am supposed to be.

But I guess I don't know it enough yet.

Yet.

looking back

2007-01-04T22:55:46Z

So I was looking back at all the pictures I have on photobucket and I found this picture of my hair from when I went on a mission trip back in the summer. This was taken in the hotel room we were staying in on our way up to Michigan (which was where the mission trip was taking place).

It made me miss my long hair.

I keep asking Alex if he thinks I should grow my hair long again, or keep it short and he just says to do whatever makes me feel best. So... I don't know. I sort of like it at the length it is now, which is longer than when I first got it cut. It frames my face pretty nicely right now.

I guess I'll just wait then.

This was completely random.. sorry...

Oh, but in the spirit of randomness, here's another mission trip picture. This time, on the way home, stopped at a rest area.

Enjoy!

As promised...

2007-01-04T22:37:21Z

Not too many photos this time around. I guess I haven't been feeling as camera-happy as usual or something.

The token out-the-airplane-window-shot, leaving Cincinnati and heading toward Chicago

Alex took this of me, after I took the one right above!

Then we took this one together *awwww*

We received "complimentary beverages" on the flight, and they came with these little napkins. This is what it actually said, we swear.

Or maybe not, but whatever.

Anyway, when we got to the Chicago airport our connecting flight to Green Bay was cancelled because the plan was having technical difficulties. So we had to get a different flight, but it was later in the afternoon (1:10 instead of 11:00). We got these little squishie pillow things at a store in O'Hare... they wrap around your neck and are meant to make sleeping on the plane or in the airport more enjoyable. It certainly passed the time:

We were trying to make the blue one look like Cap'n Crunch's hat

We didn't get into Green Bay until around 2:30 or thereabouts (actually, it must've been closer to 2, because the flight was about a half hour). We rented a car and started the hour drive to Kohler, WI. There are no pictures from this because I got carsick and decided to go to sleep. The van we rented was silly though. It was made for midgets, or people with abornmally long torsos and very short legs. Alex and I were in the bench seat in the back, and it was so low to the ground.. very uncomfortable for sitting, but not so bad for laying. I put my head in his lap and went to sleep. Poor Alex.

At 4, we arrived at the hotel and had 2 hours until we had to leave for the rehearsal dinner which was at this place called the Horse & Plow. If you have a Barleycorns near you, then you would've felt right at home at the Horse & Plow. It also had a nice dining area though... and the food was better than Barleycorns. There were actual entrees.

This is us all fancied up for the rehearsal dinner.

After the dinner, Alex and I took some pictures around the hotel area. The hotel is called the Inn on Woodlake. And there is indeed a lake there, but everything was foggy around it during the day so no pictures of the lake. The hotel was also attached to a long strip of neat little stores.

Even though it looks like it in that picture above of the tree, the tree is NOT actually covered in toilet paper. It was red and white satin ribbon. But it looks like tp. Also, I apologize for the darkness...but Kohler is out in the middle of nowhere, and there are not many streetlights at all.

Another thing... you may recognize the word "Kohler" as having to do with toilets and bathroom fixtures. Well, you indeed are correct! Kohler is where those toilets and bathroom fixtures come from. We were like 5 seconds away from the factory and design center. Alex and I didn't go there (we could have on Sunday, but we slept in instead), but we did get some nice postcards showcasing the work. Those Kohler people take their toiletry stuff seriously. I mean, some of those bathroom setups in the design center were running close to $12,000. That's just crazy.

But the Kohler fun doesn't just stop at bathroom stuff. Oh no. Kohler also does foundry work. In fact, they originally did iron works before moving onto ceramics (also, they made engines at some point). The hotel had an example of their ironworks right outside its main door:

And Alex is mimicking the bear. He has a habit of doing this with animal statues. Here's another example from another trip (when we went to Berea/Lexington back in July) so you can see what I mean:

Anyway.

Right, so as I said, on Sunday Alex and I just went to the stores and stuff, and we had lunch at this italian place in the hotel complex. The wedding was taking place at 6:30pm. I had a horrible time getting ready. I swear I felt like the ugliest duckling. While Kohler may be known for it's fabulous bathroom setups, it also should be known for having the worst water in the upper US. My skin was SOOOOOOOOOOO dried out. My face (of course) particularly. Makeup was a disaster. So I just went pretty much without as much as I could.

So here's a good picture of sort of the back of the dress. You can at least see the bow.

Here's the front!

Now, let me take a time out to also tell you the horrible tales surrounding this dress.

First, let me mention that the entire outfit I have on in that above picture is worth close to $250. Why am I mentioning this? So that you can know that I didn't really scrimp.. I wanted to look nice. But let me continue so you'll know EXACTLY why I'm mentioning the price.

The necklace broke 7 times. The earrings broke twice. The straps on my dress had to be replaced twice. That wrap? It has "pearl" edging... which started to unravel.

So, the entire outfit, with the exception of the dress because I do like it, has been returned. And not just returned quietly. Oh no. I told the people how disappointed I was in their merchandise. I buy clothes from this store all the time and I was incredulous that these things kept happening. I will never be buy accessories or dresses from there again, that is most definitely for sure.

So let's move on...

No pictures of the wedding. It was a strange ceremony. The bride had on these elbow length gloves, and on the left hand's ring finger the finger covering came off so the groom could put the bride's ring on her finger. Um.. why not skip the gloves entirely?

The dinner was nice. Lots of food. Here is my face.

The rest of the pictures are from the reception/dinner.

Notice my poor posture. That's Alex's mom beside me. Alex was taking these pictures.

And here I am again, still with poor posture. It's funny to watch Alex's mom in the last couple pictures... it's a progression of her eating bread and butter! Also, the black wrap I now have on is hers, since mine was a piece of crap. Hers looked nicer with my outfit anyway.

Small little table accents.. white roses, quite nice.

There was also, for everyone at the table, a small box with 2 pieces of chocolate from Vosges Chocolates (never heard of it--evidently very expensive, fancy chocolate). It was the most bizarre chocolate I'd ever seen or heard of in my life. There was a dark piece--made with chocolate (duh), wasabi, ginger and sesame seeds. Alex said it was gross. The other one was milk chocolate with coconut milk, soy extract, curry and dusted with another kind of curry. He said that one was better. Just thinking about eating it makes me feel sick though.

Here's the main centerpiece. A towering candelabra. I think I misspelled that word. Oh well.

This is what my LJ icon is now, in full size! Wow!!!

And, of course, since it was the New Year, we had to wear these silly hats. Well, we didn't have to. But I wanted to, so I did. So there.

Alex's brother got one too... yes, he is slightly inebriated.

As a side note, I think Alex and his brother look nothing alike. But then I also think that about my sister and I.

That's from when my family went to Chicago to see King Tut. And yes, I'm aware my hair looks silly.

So back to the reception. Alex chose to not wear a birthday looking hat like his brother's. He got a plastic bowler-ish looking hat. And ended up looking like Boy George, though I think he disagrees with me on that.

He was going for the emo look.. hahah

Here he is looking quite cute in his red happy new year hat.

And that concludes the little picture show-and-tell. We went home the next day, I nearly threw up when we landed in Chicago because .. well, I'm not sure why exactly. Thank God I didn't though. Bleck.

Goodness this is a long entry. If you've made it this far, you should get some kind of reward. Here, I'll tell you what my password is to all of my accounts. That's gotta be good for something, right? Here it is:

Fuzzy Pickle

...

Bye!

switching gears

2007-01-03T09:22:47Z

Okay well I'm back from my Wisconsin trip now and the size 6 dress fit me. So I was able to wear it to the wedding. I get to return the size 8 dress to that is nice to know.

Except since I've been back (on Monday was when we returned), I've binged/purged a total of 4 times, and binged twice... so that means 6 times total where I've abused food. I've put on I would guess... 5 lbs or so. Of binge bloat. Right now I'm about to burst, actually. Aren't you glad to know that? I thought so.

Why am I bingeing?

I don't know. The first one was because I'd starved myself pretty much the entire time we'd been gone to Wisconsin, as well as the several days before the trip. I was hungry.

The other ones.. probably just habit. But I don't actually want to be doing it. I want to just not eat at all. But... that isn't an option, evidently.

So, tomorrow I'm just going to start over. I have a new short-term goal in mind: January 6th.

Granted, that is only 3 days away, but what the hell. Alex will probably be home on that day. I want to have been completely binge free for 3 days by the time he gets home. I can do it, too. I know I can. I like being binge-free now. I just have to stick to it.

My "long term" goal is January 11th. On that day I think I will be seeing my friend Angela, though I'm not completely sure. I want to have been binge free and hopefully have lost 2 or 3 lbs by then. I'd like to be comfortable wearing jeans. I'm getting more comfortable wearing them.. but the problem is, I have 15 pairs of jeans. I'm only comfortable wearing one of those 15 pairs. And that's because this one pair has never been washed. Having never been washed (thus, having never shrunk), makes them safe. They are the only safe pair of jeans.

This is completely irrational and stupid. I know this. The other jeans are the exact same sizes (ranging from 4-8, depending on style of course). They all fit me (aside from 2 pairs--low rise straight legs. Most of the weight I've put on has gone straight to my ass and my thighs. I am no longer comfortable wearing low rise.. for fear of the dreaded overhang, haha). I shouldn't fear material.. a stupid pair of pants.

But, alas, I do.

Anyway. My goals for January 6th are the following:
1. To have completed one 20 minute cardio session
2. To have completed one 20 minute strength training session
3. To have not used my lunch hour as a binge hour
4. To have not used dinner as an excuse to binge
5. To have eaten dinner, and allowed it to remain in my stomach.
6. To have successfully gone to sleep after having talked on the phone in the evening with Alex.
7. To have done 300 jumping jacks
8. To have done 400 crunches or some other kind of abdominal workout
9. To have consumed less than 5 diet carbonated beverages (trying to cut out diet coke)
10. To have had more water to drink.

The goals for Janaury 11th will be worked out later. I'll figure them out at work tomorrow probably during my downtime or something.

It's 4:21 right now. I guess I should lay down for a bit since I have to be at work by 9:15, and need to be getting up in about 4 hours. Bleh bleh bleh.

I'll post pictures from the wedding tomorrow.

phone rendezvous

2007-01-03T09:12:15Z

You know, I listen to you and sometimes I just get so frustrated. But mostly, I just get hurt.

You throw my words back at me in condescending tones, mocking what I say and treating it as though it's thoughtless. Pointless. Beneath you and therefore worthless. That you know better. That I'm wrong and should just get over whatever it is that is upsetting me.

You don't know that the minute the line goes dead, that I hear the tone, things darken around me. It crosses my mind to start a fight with you on purpose, about anything, just to talk to you longer. Just to stay connected one minute longer.

You don't need me that way. You don't need to stay connected to me as much as I need to stay connected to you.

I'm sorry for being messed up. For being paranoid when I shouldn't be. For being untrusting.

So I'll let you go to sleep. I'll say my goodbye and conceal my quavering tones. You can't see that, on the other side of the line, only an hour and some odd minutes north of where you are laying, that I am etching lines into my face by way of crying. There are two streams that make their familiar way down my face and drip from my chin. There are puddles at my feet that I'm trying to soak up with kleenex as best as I can because when you come back I don't want you to see any traces of what has happened.

Because when you come back I'm supposed to be better. And we aren't supposed to talk about these things anymore.

Because you don't cry when we're apart.

But I do.

More boring shit (plus photos!)

2006-12-22T22:23:29Z

Right now I think Alex is out with his friends.. also shopping for clothes. His one friend, Kelly, is a metrosexual. He is a very good dresser. And Alex said he is helping him pick out clothes from Express and Banana Republic. Fun.

Not that Alex is a bad dresser, because he is not.

It's just struck me that I don't think a picture of him has ever been on here. Well, it's your lucky day because I just happen to have some pictures of him/us on my photobucket!

Here is us, back in the summer. I cut off our foreheads. Oops.

And now I'm going to turn this into a slideshow of pictures because I'm bored at work and there's like.. 49 minutes left.

This is Alex trying to tickle me on the couch and me saying "stop it!!" As you can see, we do indeed have foreheads after all.

And here is a very cute and wonderful shot of him looking tired and thoughtful all at the same time:

And to close out this very brief showing of photos is a picture of my dog, the scottish terrier named Queen Cleopatra. She is Scotch-Egyptish

Unfortunately, only 3 minutes passed between me putting up the photos and now.

So to pass the time.. I will just type random things and you can just deal with it or not.

Tonight I'm going to this Christmas party thing (stop me if I've said this already.. waiting.. oh there's no one here to stop me, because it's the internet and I'm all by myself pretending like I'm typing to an audience!). It's for the ladies at my church. Every year they have a get together where we exchange ornaments and stories and also food. I, obviously, will be opting out of the food part because Christmas party food ALWAYS = fattening crap. Fattening crap, while tasty and scrumdidlyumptious, is not something I can handle right now.

But I can handle Christmas ornaments. And stories.

My dad is picking up KFC on his way home for work for us to all eat for dinner. Fried chicken. I swear. Fried chicken.. baked goods... oh Christmas season! You are the bane of my plan to fit into my dress!!!

But I love you anyway.

Random flashback--
My mom used to make bread for everyone in the family on Christmas. This was like homemade, wait-for-it-to-rise-a-billion-times, knead it with your hands, sort of bread. Good stuff.

So one year when she was making this bread, there was a half loaf sitting on the kitchen counter. I was probably 12 at the time. I was in my pajamas, which were just a really big t-shirt with Betty Boop on the front and underneath her was the caption "Boop this" or something like that.. and I took the bread because I was hungry. Did I cut off a slice? No. This half loaf of bread was probably 8 or 9" long, and probably 6" wide. I sat down on the couch and just started eating it. There is a picture of me doing this because my mom said I looked funny.

I wonder... my first foray into bingeing?

Haha I doubt it.

That was before I cared about what the media tells me I should care about. And before I knew what it meant to be beautiful or ugly or skinny or too fat or whatever.

On a more happier note, there is a double rainbow outside the bank's window. It's been raining most of the day today. I just went out and took a picture of the rainbow. Very lovely.

And now I'm going to suck on a sucker and wait for 37 more minutes to pass because I don't feel like typing anymore. Goodbye.

boring shit

2006-12-22T22:08:52Z

So on my lunch break today I went over to one of my most favoritest clothing stores, called White House-Black Market. The clothes are outrageously priced, but they're all so beautiful. Sometimes I indulge myself. Today I indulged myself to the max and blew close to $400.

I had to buy another dress like the one I'm going to wear to the wedding happening on NYE. I want to make sure that I have a dress that's going to fit, so if I don't lose the 5 or 6 lbs by the 30th, I have this backup and I can return the other one. Or vice versa. Anyway, it's a $158 dress. Yeah. Here is a picture of it (just imagine my face there):

I am so excited to wear this thing that it isn't even funny. I also bought earrings and a necklace. Now all I need is shoes and some kind of sweater or shawl. I have a black sweater from there (I'm actually wearing it right now) that might work with the dress. I just have to check. If not.. guess I'll be going to like dillards or something. Or maybe NY&Co.

As for shoes.. shoes will be hard because they need to be flat. Alex is my height, so if I get high heels I'll be taller than him. That is not good.

********************************

It's 4:45 now.. earlier when I was writing it was like 4 or something like that. Anyway, I've been looking at White/Black's website and saw this shawl thingy. This is what it looks like:

Lovely. Also it was on sale, plus an additional 40% off, plus the 5% off I get for having a "black book card"

Sweet!

I'm really excited about this trip. Mostly because it will be time I get to spend with Alex. Three whole days. Well, actually more like 2 days, because we'll be traveling on the last day. But whatever.

Also, I've never been to Wisconsin. We're going to the place where the Kohler toilets are made. So we're touring the Kohler toilet factory. Yeah, you can tour there. And I'm totally buying a cheesy souvenir.

Anyway.

This card I'm charging all the stuff for the wedding on is supposed to be my blank card. I was supposed to have it turned off. I did a balance transfer off it because the interest rate is the worst interest rate in the history of interest rates (and it's my fault because I was late a couple times). But I figured that I should keep it so that I have that credit out there. However, that was a mistake because then I started using it. At first, it was okay and I could handle it. There was like.. 300 something on it. No big deal, my paycheck could pay off that balance. But then I charged some other stuff, plus the clothes and things.. and now it's up to almost $1000. Then I paid $250 on it.

God I suck.

But I'll fix it. Next pay check, I'll pay on it.. big time. Because really, after this week is over.. I'll be done spending huge amounts of money. And the reason I started depending on this anyway was because I'm over my personal limit for the green amex, which is the family card.

Okay, a second line of thought just broke in to my main line of thought and it said: "Why do people care about this?"

I don't know. I guess they don't. But I need to write it down so it's straight in my mind, okay?

Meh.

puh

2006-12-20T16:30:27Z

Soon it will be my lunch break. In 45 minutes, to be exact.

As it is now, I'm sitting at my teller station. The stations here are pretty nice.. nicer than at the other branches. We have a lot of room. That, and they just look classier. Since we're positioned in a mall that's in an up-scale part of town, the designers tried to make it look fancy in here.

I wish we were busier though. When I trained, it was at a busier branch where there was a constant flow of customers. I probably would have up to 100 transactions a day at the drive-thru window. Now, I'm lucky if I break 10 a day.

But this is boring talk.

Here's something a bit more interesting. Tonight, after work (which means 6pm), I get to drive to Berea, KY to visit my Alex. We have been apart since this past Friday, when he went home to get his wisdom teeth removed. Poor Alex.

I'm pretty excited about seeing him, but I'm also excited about driving there. It's about an hour and a half drive (he says two hours, but everyone knows I don't drive the speed limit), so that's a lot of music-listening time which I am looking forward to. I have to wrap his family's presents today (on my lunch break) though. And then I guess after work I'm going to run home and pack up my stuff.

I think I will probably just go down in my work clothes.. but I'm not sure yet. I haven't decided. I could do that and then just change when I get there. Then I'd need to bring pajamas, and an outfit for tomorrow. I'm not sure what I'll wear on Thursday. Maybe jeans. Maybe yoga-ish pants, since he said we'd be walking around a lot.

But, again, this is boring talk.

I guess I really don't have anything interesting to say. I'm just sort of rambling around in my mind.

They have Q102 on the radio here, which is like the local pop/rock station (by the way, they technically can't even call themselves Q102, because their radio number thing is 101.9. They're lying! But I guess if we were rounding up then they'd be Q102.. but I don't think we should round up. They should be Q-almost-102, or Q101.9 or Q-we're-a-bunch-of-liars-102, etc...). According to their jingle, they specialize in: Hit muuuuusic! Nineties and noowww (Q!) Q-one-oh-twooooooooooo (one-oh-twooooo) W-K-R-Q (Cincinnati!!) Q-one-ooooooooh-twooooooooooooooooooo! (I guess it works better if you can actually here them singing this). By the end of that song, you are absolutely sure of what station you're listening to.

Anyway, I hate this station. Here is why:
1. Their definition of hit music includes the following "artist" and "bands"--Hinder (which aren't that bad, actually, I'm just tired of hearing the song over and over), Nickelback, Justin Timberlake (this is completely unexcusable), Jessica Simpson, Beyonce, Fergie (oh please, shoot me now), Gwen Stefani, Jay-z, Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, the guy from Matchbox 20 who went solo and whose name I can't remember for the life of me.

So yeah. Real quality (bleh).

Now the news minute is on, and what is the big story? Is it about the war? No. Is it about the economy? Absolutely not. Is it about Darfur or any other place where there is genocide? No, of course not, biotch.

It's about Miss USA (who is from KY by the way. Bitch.) and how she is running around drinking and entering rehab, etc...

Remind me of why I care about this?

Oh, right. Because I'm stuck at work, it's almost lunch, and there's nothing for me to do right now.

Mmmkay then.